Setup
by 2brown-eyes
Summary: Edward is still madly in love with his high school sweetheart and is tired of his sister setting him up on dates, each one being worse than the one before. He decides to reverse the tables by being their worst date ever. What happens if the tables are reversed right back at him? Submission to the Wonkyward Contest.


My contribution for the Wonkyward Contest.

Disclaimer: The author does not own any publically recognizable entities herein. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Setup**

**(EPOV)**

My younger sister, Alice, means well enough, but her interfering in my life was getting on my nerves. Just because she had found 'Mr. Perfect' in high school and married him right after college; didn't mean that I had to be married too. Unfortunately, I couldn't hate the guy she married, since he was also my best friend growing up.

I was only 26 years old. I was hardly about to be a bachelor for the rest of my life. However, she was constantly setting me up on blind date after blind date. Each girl was worse than the one before.

I tried begging her to stop, but she would pout and cry, claiming she only wanted me to be happy. So I gave in, since I hated to see her cry. Instead, I decided to reverse the tables on these women. If they thought I was the bad catch, maybe they would run in the other direction.

Soon I was having a blast finding new ways to scare the women off.

**SU**

My first victim…uh… date:

**Jessica Stanley/25/Nurse**

_We arrived at Black's, a fairly classy restaurant in downtown Seattle. _

_Jessica, my date, was fairly short, probably about five feet or so. She was thin and flat with no curves. Her brown hair was pulled back into a tight smooth bun and she was dressed in all white, looking pristine._

_As soon we sat down, she made the hostess stay as she inspected all the glasses and silverware for spots. Ah, so she was a neat freak or germaphobic. Hmm… What could I do with this?_

"_This glass has a smudge on the stem, replace it, please." She held out the glass as if the one tiny smudge was offensive, it was barely noticeable to the naked eye._

"_Right away, Miss." The hostess smile was tightlipped. _

_She walked away, handing the glass to a busboy and then grabbed a waiter's elbow to talk to him. After a few short words he seemed to nod in understanding.  
>I turned back to Jessica who was meticulously arranging things in front of her so that she had a large clear spot, before opening her menu. She laid the menu down, being careful that it didn't touch anything. <em>

_I opened mine with a loud thwack and let it hit anything in front of me. She looked up, twitched, then looked back at her menu. She gingerly flipped the page with the tip of one finger barely touching the page._

_While we waited for the waiter I would fidget every once in a while and touched everything near me. I even ran my fingers in my hair, tugging at it until I knew my hair looked freakish. I could feel her eyes on me so I started to scratch my ear and even wiggled my finger in it. I brought my hand to my face to inspect my finger before brushing it on the tablecloth. _

_A moment later, a waiter appeared at our table and placed the glass in front of Jessica and a basket of breadsticks between us. She immediately narrowed her eyes as she inspected the glass closely. I rolled my eyes but stayed quiet. _

"_Good evening, my name is Jacob and I'll be your waiter this evening. Would you like some water?" he asked, looking at Jessica, first._

"_Yes, please, but no ice," she asked politely. _

_He poured her water before turning to me._

"_Yes, please, in fact, could I get three glasses, if it's not too much of an imposition?" I asked with a big grin. _

_Jacob raised an eyebrow but nodded. He placed the pitcher down on the stand behind me. He removed two glasses from an empty table and placed them in front of me. After he filled the first one, I stopped him._

"_If it's not too much trouble, could you fill the second one half way, and the third one a third?" I asked. _

_He gave me another strange look, but shrugged._

"_Yes, sir." He filled the water then took our orders. _

_Once he was gone there was a moment of silence, so I picked up my butter knife and started tapping away at the glasses making some music. As I got going, first my head started bopping along to it, followed by my shoulders, until I got my whole body into it. _

"_Could you, stop that," Jessica spoke up. She was cringing and looked thoroughly embarrassed. _

"_Sure," I went to put the knife down hastily, knocking the breadsticks off the table. "Shit, sorry. I'll get them." I fell dramatically and purposely out of my seat to get them. I tossed them back into the basket. I placed it back on the table, brushed my hands off on my thighs before sitting in my seat. _

_Jessica was just looking at me wide-eyed. I swear her right eye twitched when I smiled at her. _

"_Breadstick," I grabbed a breadstick with the same hand that I had used to pretend to clean my ear._

_She definitely twitched that time. She grabbed her purse and pulled out her phone. _

"_I'm sorry that's the hospital. I have to go." She pushed her chair back and prepared to stand. _

"_That's too bad. We should do this again." I forced a frown as I held back my laughter. She stood and collected her stuff in her hands._

"_I don't know if that will work. I'm switching to nights. But I'll call you." She nodded backing away from the table fast. _

_I started to chuckle in amusement, I glanced around at the surrounding tables. An older couple from a few tables away was staring at me. I nodded my head to them before taking a bite out of the breadstick. _

_The gentleman started to laugh, the lady with him shot me a dirty look before she scolded him for encouraging me. _

_Edward: 1, Alice: 0._

**SU**

**Up next…**

**Irina/27/Lawyer… excuse me…District Attorney**

_We met at Black's for dinner, she hadn't wanted me to pick her up at her place. Fine by me. _

_She had arrived dressed like she didn't change after work. She had on a pair of black slacks and a cream colored blouse with black double-breasted jacket. Her blonde hair was very short even shorter than mine. In fact, she reminded me a lot of Jane Lynch._

_Right after Jacob took our orders, she started asking me questions._

"_So Alice says you're a music teacher?" She had her hands folded in front of her. _

"_Yes, I find working with children rewarding," I answered honestly. "Do you enjoy lawyering?" _

_She scowled slightly. "I'm a District Attorney, not just any lawyer. But yes. I pride myself in putting criminals behind bars so that justice is served," she answered with a sniff._

"_So I guess that it's a good thing that I don't smoke crack in public anymore." I ran my hand through my hair and pretend to look nervous._

"_You smoke crack and you work with kids," she hissed in a low voice. She gave me an incredulous look._

"_Whoa, slow your roll. I tell them to keep it inside and behind closed doors." I held up my hands in surrender._

_She blinked a few times before looking thoroughly pissed off. "You tell kids to do drugs?" I knew I had to change directions before she had me investigated for real._

"_No, of course, not. Why would you think that?" Acting offended by her question._

"_You just said, you told them to keep it behind closed doors." She leaned back in her seat looking frustrated._

"_I did? Huh…I wouldn't believe me, I'm a chronic liar." I shrugged._

"_So you lied then?" she gave me a skeptical look._

"_No. What would I lie about?" I gave her a confused look._

"_Did you lie about lying? Or are you lying about lying about lying?" She started to look confused herself. _

"_Does that even make sense?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows. _

_She sat back and started to rub her forehead like it was hurting her. _

_Jacob choose that moment to return to the table with drinks. He placed a beer bottle in front of me._

"_Are you sure you don't want a glass, sir?" he asked skeptically._

"_Nope, tastes the best right out of the bottle," I answered with a smile. _

_Irina frowned in distaste. _

"_Would you like to peel the label?" I offered her my bottle. _

"_No, thank you. I'll pass." She took a sip of her white wine. _

"_Are you sure? You look frustrated over there. I heard it's supposed to help ease sexual frustration. Or perhaps you rather wait for later?" I winked at her. Praying she wouldn't take me up on my offer since I swear I saw an Adam's apple. _

"_I'm good. I have to use that bathroom, I'll be right back." She left, heading for the front of the restaurant instead of the bathrooms. _

_I snickered as I watched her walk away._

_I looked over and saw the same couple again, I nodded to them. The man still seemed to find me funny, the lady not so much._

"_Do you think I should go after her, and tell her the bathrooms are the other way?" I asked, tipping my beer bottle back taking a long drink. _

_He laughed harder while she rolled her eyes and shook her head, but a small smile formed on her face. _

_Edward: 2, Alice: 0._

**SU**

**Then there was…**

**Tanya/25/Model **

_Now Tanya was different than the first two. She had been after Alice for a while to set us up. I had always refused in the past. Most men would think I would be crazy to refuse someone like her. _

_Who would refuse a six foot tall Victoria Secret Model with long strawberry blonde hair, bright blue eyes with breasts the size of large cantaloupes? _

_Maybe I was crazy, but every time I had talked to her she had always been self-absurd and all about image. I hardly doubt she wanted me for me, rather that she wanted what I would look like standing next to her._

_She had made me wait twenty minutes, after I arrived to pick her up so it already started me in a bad mood. I wanted this to be good. _

_We were seated and looking at a menu that I was becoming very familiar with. Tanya kept glaring to our right, tapping her acrylic fingernails annoyingly on the table. When Jacob came to our table, she didn't even wait for him to start speaking._

"_Can you do something about that over there?" she demanded pointing at a table a few away from us. _

_Jacob and I both looked over to see what the problem was. There was a small family — a mother, a father and a boy who looked about ten. I saw nothing wrong. The boy was very well-behaved for his age. He was even already eating his meal._

"_I'm sorry, but I'm failing to see the problem." Jacob turned back looking perplexed. _

_He glanced at me and I shrugged. I was as clueless as him. _

"_There's a kid in here," Tanya complained very loudly. _

"_Tanya, lower your voice. That boy isn't doing anything wrong. You're the one causing a scene," I ordered quietly, squeezing my fist under the table. _

_She leaned back in her seat and pouted, crossing her arms under her chest trying to puff them up. _

"_Well." She batted her eyes at Jacob. _

_He looked less than impressed with her. _

"_I'm sorry, Ma'am, but there isn't any age cutoff at this restaurant. We cater to families all the time. We even have a children's menu. I'm not going to ask them to leave for no reason," Jacob informed her politely, but I saw the coolness in his eyes. _

"_You have a children's menu here?" I perked up, starting to smile wider as an idea to piss off Tanya formed in my head. _

_Jacob turned to me, his lips started to twitch. He probably guessed where I was going with this._

"_Yes, sir, we do," he answered with a genuine smile._

"_Could I order from it?" I grinned devilishly._

_Jacob covered his laugh with a cough. "I don't see why not. Would you like the bucket of Legos to play with while you wait?" Jacob's eyes were mischievous._

"_You have Legos too? I love Legos!" I exclaimed excitedly. This was even better, I actually did love Legos._

"_We do. The owner wanted to do something different for the kids, instead of basic crayons. So he got these small buckets and filled them with Legos for kids to play with while they waited for their food," Jacob explained._

"_Bring them both." I clapped my hands excitedly. _

_Jacob left the table, heading to a small area set up for the waiters to work at. _

"_Eddie, you can't be serious," Tanya whispered harshly looking less than amused._

"_What? I'm feeling nostalgic tonight. I can't wait. This is going to be great." I started hopping in my seat before pulling up my legs so I could sit on my feet. "Oh, and by the way, it's either Edward or my childhood nickname was Teddy, not Eddie. Eddie is just yuck." I shuddered and made a dramatically screwed up face childishly._

_Jacob arrived back at the table, and I snatched the bucket from him and cradled it to my chest. I started to sift through the Legos with my fingers. Jacob smirked and placed the menu in front of me. _

"_Oooo, they have dinosaur nuggets. I'll have that with fries and chocolate milk." I went back to my Legos as I think Tanya ordered. But I had tuned her out by that point._

_When Jacob left, I looked up at Tanya, who was glowering at me._

"_Have you seen the new Lego movie? It was great," I asked her. _

_She rolled her eyes. "No, I'm a grown-up, I watch grown-up movies. Not little kid movies. I despise little kids. They're nothing but parasites." She sniffed. _

_I let it roll off me as I pushed on. _

"_Too bad, I love kids. I'm going to have 6 someday. I'm going to name them, Greg, Marsha, Peter, Jan, Bobby, and Cindy. Maybe I can convince Alice to come live with us. Although, Jasper may need to change his name to Sam. I hope he doesn't mind," I announced with pride, then proceeded to dump the bucket upside down on to the table, the Legos went everywhere. _

"_Edward!" Tanya gasped, while trying to hide behind her hand in embarrassment._

"_I got them." I leaned over to pick them up off the floor._

"_Bring me home, right now," Tanya ordered, standing up with hands on her hips._

"_Tanya, if you want to leave go ahead and get a cab. I'm going to eat my dinosaur nuggets and play with my Legos." I refused as I got off the chair and started to pick up the Legos off the floor. _

_I was soon joined by the young boy. He helped me pick up the Legos and place them back in the bucket.  
>"Thank you, for helping me. Is the wicked witch gone?" I looked up and around to see Tanya was missing. <em>

_The boy nodded and giggled before going back to his table._

_A clearing of a throat got my attention. I looked up to see the same lady from the previous weeks standing over me.  
>"You missed one." She held out a blue Lego. "I can't say I blame you on that one. Horrible woman." She scowled and returned to her seat, where her husband was laughing. <em>

_Edward: 3, Alice: 0_

Alice apologized for Tanya but that didn't stop her from setting me up with the next one.

**SU**

**Lauren/26/Hairdresser**

_I waited for her in the lobby of her apartment building. I was bored and sitting on a couch by the elevator, so I pretended to start to conduct the music in the lobby with wild exaggerated hand gestures. The young kids I taught always got a kick of how funny I would get, with the expressions on my face and my exaggerated movements. I loved to hear them laugh and get into the music like I did. _

"_What are you doing?" a high-pitched nasally voice broke me from my musings. _

_I looked up to see a girl whose hair was in a purple beehive wearing a hot pink tube top and a jean skirt that barely covered anything. She was also sporting horn-rimmed glasses, the frames, also hot pink; her eyes were darting from my right hand to behind it with a befuddled expression. _

_I looked behind me to see a poster for an upcoming movie. The guy was shirtless, and unfortunately with the hand gesture my hand froze in, it looked like I was cupping his junk. I grimaced and dropped my hand quickly, but this couldn't have worked out better if I had tried._

"_Opps. Hey, I think I know him. He looks like the waiter of the restaurant I frequent. How about that. Are you Lauren?" I asked, standing up._

_She nodded slightly. "You still didn't tell me what you were doing?" she asked snottily._

"_Just passing the time waiting for you. I was listening to the music and got into it. Care to dance?" I didn't wait for an answer, but started to dance like Elaine from Seinfeld. Wild gestures and wacked out movements, with my long legs I'm sure that I looked ridiculous. The best part was that I was dancing to classical music not typical dance music._

_Lauren's blonde eyebrows went up into her hairline as she watched me._

"_Did Alice tell you I took ballet as a kid?" I did a spin and almost tripped over my feet into her. _

_She jumped back startled, shaking her head without speaking._

"_I did until I was 10, before I realized I was the only guy in the class. The other girls didn't appreciate my Batman leotards. I thought it was better than a pink tutu personally. Although, the dresses Alice and her best friend use to dress me in were more freeing than these pants." I awkwardly started fixing them by trying to tuck my shirt in to my pants._

"_Could you not do that here?" Lauren hissed. "There's a camera right there?" She pointed at the ceiling. _

_I spotted the camera with a blinking red light pointed in our direction._

_I smiled devilishly and pulled a chair closer to it. The legs of the chair squeaked loudly against the linoleum floor. I stood on the chair and looked directly into the camera. _

"_I apologize profusely for my behavior tonight," I stated with mock seriousness. "Hold on, I think I got something stuck in my teeth." I opened my mouth wide and ran my tongue against my teeth, flicking it a few times. _

"_That's better. Ready to go?" I heard the ding of the elevator as I turned around and stepped off the chair. _

_Lauren was nowhere in sight. Huh. That was fast. I smiled that I now had the night to myself. _

_Edward: 4, Alice: 0._

_I started to leave when the security office door open. I braced myself in case Lauren had complained to them to have me thrown out. A man in a uniform leaned on the doorframe and he started to chuckle. _

"_And here I thought I was going to miss your show tonight when I got called in. My Rosie is going to be disappointed that she missed this." I recognized the same older man from the restaurant. _

"_Oh, I'm sure I'll be back next week with my sister's next setup," I laughed. "Edward Cullen." I held out my hand to him._

"_Emmett McCarty. I must say you put on quite a show. Even my sourpuss of a wife hasn't laughed like that in years." He snickered._

"_Yeah well, my sister keeps setting me up, and I figured why not get to them first. I'm betting if they think that I'm the worst date then they will never want a second one." I shrugged._

"_Why not just tell your sister to butt out?" Emmett asked._

"_Because you would have a better chance getting a Rottweiler to give up a bone than getting my sister off my back. I hoping if she gets enough complaints about me, she will eventually stop." I smirked deviously._

"_Good luck with that. See ya next week." Emmett went back into his office still snickering._

**SU**

Next week it was…

**Kate/30/ Animal Shelter worker**

_Now I have nothing against animal shelters — they're great places to get a pet that really needs a good home. I had a cat and a dog growing up that we rescued from off the streets._

_However, Kate seemed to take it to an extreme. I didn't think it was too much to ask to change before going out. Especially, since her clothes were covered in animal hair and she was getting it everywhere. I swear there was bird turd in her blonde hair and she smelled like a cross between cat piss and wet dog._

_I had a hard time not to cover my nose. I definitely didn't have an appetite to eat. Poor Jacob was sneezing his head off when he took our order.  
>"So, Edward, Alice says you work with young unprivileged children as a music teacher," Kate spoke up.<em>

"_I do. It's great working with children. They're like my little minions, I can get them to do whatever I want. Get me coffee and run my errands for me. They handle it all for me and I don't have to do a thing." I smiled charmingly. _

_She looked a bit disturbed by this information. "Isn't that what you do with the animals at the shelter?" I asked with a curious expression._

"_Heavens, no. Those poor sweet animals need to be taken care of. I love them to pieces. I have ten cats that I have rescued at home." She smiled sweetly. Ten? Jeesh… so she's already an old cat lady. _

"_Wow, that's a lot of cats," I commented, trying to figure out what do next._

"_Maybe for some. But they're my babies and I'll love them my whole life," she cooed with a dreamy look on her face._

"_Don't you mean their whole lives?" I commented without thinking._

"_I don't understand." She looked perplexed._

"_Well, cats don't live as long as humans. So all those cats will die before you," I answered. _

_The look on her face as it crumbled actually made me feel bad, I went too far. Instead of being plain weird or annoying, I was a jackass. Tears came to her eyes and her lower lip trembled before I could apologize, she snapped._

"_You're horrible!" She stood up shouting, throwing her drink at me. It dripped down my face as she stormed off._

"_Yeah, that was a bit of a douche move," I muttered licking some of the droplets of wine off my face. _

_Jacob showed up with a napkin and shaking his head. "Dude…"_

"_You don't have to say it. I know I'm a jackass," I sighed as I started drying myself off._

_My phone beeped with a text, I glanced at it quickly. _

_**A: What did you do?**_

_Ejection from date for misconduct. No Winner._

I felt incredibly guilty after Kate, I had crossed a line. Because I felt guilty Alice was able to talk me into one last girl. She promised that this one would be the last one she tried to set me up with. After that I was on my own.

**SU**

**Victoria/26/ Yoga instructor.**

I thought ahead of a plan to make sure I didn't try to whim it this time and cross another line. What I thought I had chosen would be great, and I shouldn't offend anyone.

Victoria had caught me off guard when she stepped off her elevator. She was gorgeous and my body reacted immediately upon meeting her.

Victoria was petite with long legs, although she was only about 5 feet 3 three inches in height. She had a decent size rack. Just the right size if you ask me, not too big, not too small. The tight, yet modest dress clung to her body and the color blue made the cream color of her skin look more appealing. I was usually attracted to brunettes but she had long red hair that went straight to her ass. Her chocolate brown eyes were familiar but I couldn't place from where.

In fact, her whole heart shaped face reminded me of my high school sweetheart; who I still carried a torch for, which is why none of the girls Alice had chosen were good enough, to replace my Bella.

I found myself barely able to take my eyes off of Victoria though. She was biting her lip adorably while twirling her hair around my cock…I mean…her finger. Shit, I was filled with dirty thoughts tonight. Didn't Alice say she was a yoga instructor? So that means she's flexible right? I wonder what she can do with those long legs…I shook my head and tried to focus on the menu.

"What can I get for you tonight?" Jacob appeared at the table, his eyes glued to Victoria. I kicked his foot and he glanced at me apologetically.

"What do you suggest that would be sweet, yet spicy?" She looked up at him through her eyelashes.

What the Fuck? I clenched my fist under the table.

"We have some ribs with a Honey-Chipotle sauce." Jacob suggested after clearing his throat.

"Mmmm…that's sounds good, could I get extra sauce on the side?" Victoria asked sweetly.

Jacob nodded and glanced at me.

"I'll have the same," I closed my menu and handed it to Jacob.

He took it without looking at me.  
>"Edward, you have to have these."<p>

I turned back to Victoria, she had a breadstick in her hand and she had dipped the tip in some sort of white creamy sauce. She brought it to her lips, parting them taking a lick with her pink tongue then a slight nibble.

"Mmm" she purred.

My cock grew harder and started to throb as I felt her barefoot start to rub my calf, slipping up the cuff of my pants.

"I'll be back with your food," Jacob's voice squeaked. 'After I go into the freezer.' I thought I heard him mutter as he scurried away using the menus to hide behind like a teenage boy uses a textbook.

I grabbed my own breadstick and nibbled on it trying to ignore the foot rubbing against my leg that was making me squirm. I was caught off guard when Victoria spoke, so my rehearsed story came tumbling out without a second thought.

"Edward, Alice tells me that you're a musician and you like to teach little kids," Victoria mentioned with a coy smile.

"Um. Yeah, but I'm thinking about making a career change. I always wanted to be a rapper named Big Tub and the Tabby Cats." the words escaped me.

Victoria looked mildly surprised as she paused with a breadstick in her mouth but she recovered quickly.

"Aww, you want to rap with cats, that's so adorable," she cooed. "Are you looking for back-up singers? I have three adorable kittens that would be perfect."

"Umm, you have cats." I smiled nervously, hoping not to fall in the same trap as last time. I picked up my water glass to take a sip.

"Mhmmm. Their names are Dickie, Fuckanator and Pussy," she told me and I choked on my water.

I grabbed my napkin to wipe my mouth. She giggled and rolled her eyes.

"I know, I never should've named them while drunk. I'm sure you can imagine what it's like to call out their names. Especially, since Dickie won't leave Pussy alone."

I bit my lip and my eyes watered trying desperately not to laugh. I could hear Emmett a few tables away laughing so hard, he started to have a coughing fit. She seemed oblivious to it though, as she tossed her hair over her shoulder.

"At least, I could nickname Fuckanator Nate and get away with it. So could you use my cats?" she asked batting her eyes at me.

"Ummm, I'm still in the beginning stages." I didn't expect this to go quite this way.

"Do you have any raps written yet?" she asked innocently, after a moment of my hesitation, she continued before I could answer. "You do. Don't you. Will you rap for me?"

"Here…now…? You don't want to hear me rap." I started to panic, my ears started to burn.  
>"Please," she pouted and her foot slipped all the way up my leg and she rubbed against my crotch.<p>

Ah, bloody hell, the blood rushed from my head to my throbbing cock, which more than enjoyed her foot rubbing against it.

"Ahh….The cat is so fat… that when it sat on the mat… it flattened the rat… and that is that." Horrible… that was horrible. I groaned inwardly, even my kids would've hated that. I rubbed my face feeling slightly embarrassed.

Victoria leaned forward and touched my hand gently. "Aww. I get it. You're going to rap for little kids, don't be embarrassed. It was very cute." Victoria smiled at me.

Cute? Just what every grown man wants to hear from a fucking hot woman rubbing his cock. Cute.

Luckily, I was saved by Jacob who brought our meals. Victoria sat back in her chair, but her foot remained attached to my cock, wiggling it slightly. Eating was going to be very hard, no pun intended.

"This looks great, doesn't it?" Victoria unwrapped her silverware from her napkin and placed her napkin on her lap.

"Yeah," I nodded, feeling flustered when her toe brushed my tip.

We ate in silence for a while. I kept sneaking glances at her as she ate daintily. She would make tiny little moans here and there, that wasn't helping. She licked her fingers clean periodically.

Myself, I was making quite a mess with the ribs. It was all over my hands and face. I tried the best I could to clean myself up.

"You missed a spot," she licked her thumb then leaned over the table. She brushed the corner of my mouth without losing eye contact.  
>"Have you ever been erotically spat on?" I blurted out.<p>

She cocked her head to the side looking amused. "No, I can't say I have been the one spat on. But I've never been against any type of lube." She stroked me from balls to tip, winking at me.

Shit. I was going to cum in my pants if she didn't stop. Wait, did that mean she actually spat on someone during sex. Fuck, that's hot.

Victoria sat back in her seat as she dipped her finger in the extra sauce coating it before bringing it to her lips. She licked and then sucked on her finger.

"Mmmm….ooooo….so good…,"she moaned, she stroked me some more. I was captivated watching her unable to move. "Mmm….delicious….yes…YES…so gooood….mmm."

At that moment, she brushed the tip of my cock with her toe and I exploded. I grew mortified, I pulled back and stood up quickly.  
>"I…bathroom…back…" Victoria was looking at me in concern. I turned and fled towards the men's room, passing a slack jawed Emmett and Jacob on the way. Emmett's Rosie was laughing her head off.<p>

I hit an empty chair in my haste and it started to go over. I tried to catch it, but it still crashed to the floor. I tried to pick it up clumsily, and righted it but it started to fall again. This time Jacob caught it as I uttered a quick apology, before heading to the bathroom.

I did the best I could cleaning up in the bathroom. Jacob was nice enough to bring me a wet cloth since he figured out what happened. He told me to throw it in the trash when I was done. So the cloth and my boxers ended up in there. I was now going commando. What the hell happened out there? How did the tables get turned, so I was the one that was played? I had been fighting finding another that could replace Bella for so long that I almost missed a chance at this new gorgeous woman that has knocked me off my feet. At least, I hope I didn't lose a chance and she was still there.

I stepped out of the men's room and stood in the small hall as I looked towards our table. She was gone. I sighed heavily. Now if I wanted a second chance I would have to grovel to Alice for Victoria's number again.

Alice: 1, Edward: 4

I heard the tinkering of laughter from the other end of the hallway. It sounded familiar so I decided to investigate. Across from the women's bathroom was a small coatroom. Victoria's back was to me and she had her cellphone pressed to her ear. With her head tilted to the side, from the back I was seeing small wisps of dark brown hair poking out from under the red.

Was that a…wig?

**SU**

**(BPOV)**

I bit my lip as I watched him practically run from the table. I felt slightly bad, but Alice convinced me that he had it coming with all the stunts that he had pulled on the dates she set him up on. She told me a little about them, and I found what he did was funny for the most part, much to Alice's annoyance. Well, telling someone that their cats were going to die wasn't but I wish I was a fly on the wall for the other performances.

I had missed Edward. When I left for Africa to teach, losing touch with him was something I regretted. We had broken up mutually, so there was never ill will. We both thought long distance would've been too hard at the time.

When I got back to Seattle I was hoping to reconnect with him. I had found Alice first though. The next thing I knew, I found myself talked into being dressed up as Victoria to teach Edward a lesson. Since Edward had a fairly good sense of humor, I wasn't too worried about him getting upset.

I heard my phone buzz with a text.

**A: How's it going? Does he know that it's you yet?**

I looked up and he hadn't come back yet. I slipped down the hallway and paused by the women's room door since I could hear that someone was in there. I decided to go into the coatroom, to call Alice up for privacy.

"Hey, how's it going? Have you turned the tables on him?" Alice asked excitedly. I gave her a brief run down, leaving out that I basically gave him a foot job at the table.

"You should've seen his face, Alice. Edward never saw it coming," I laughed.

"Oh, I came all right," A familiar sarcastic voice spoke up from behind me and I felt the wig tugged off my head, my dark hair fell down in waves.

I whirled around. My eyes widened to see Edward behind me with arms crossed, holding the wig, smirking at me. I felt my cheeks heat up, I was caught.

"I've got to go." I hung up on Alice, while she was yell asking what was going on. I slipped my phone into my purse giving Edward a sheepish smile.

"Isabella Marie Swan. It has been a long time." He shook his head, giving me a crooked smile that always made my insides melt. His green eyes twinkled in amusement, I knew he wouldn't be mad.

"Edward, I've missed you." I smiled softly and told him honestly.

He was still as handsome as the day I had left. There wasn't a day I hadn't thought of him, nor night for that matter.

"I've missed you too, sweetheart. But why not just let me know you were back in Seattle and instead of playing games?" He stepped closer, one hand came up and he moved a strand of my hair behind my ear with his long fingers.

I felt the wig brush my legs as he dropped it.

"I wasn't sure if you missed me. You were going on all these dates, though it does seem that you were taking them as a joke. According to Alice, you needed to be taught a lesson, and I was the one to do it," I rambled, feeling slightly jealous that he was dating all these women, which I knew was silly since he had tried to scare them off.

"I didn't want to date, Alice was forcing me. So I tried scaring them off by being their worst date ever, because I wasn't interested." He explained, looking at me adoringly.

I felt myself blush. I was glad for the confirmation, but I still wanted to know why he wasn't interested. I didn't want to be too hopeful, he certainly reacted to Victoria.

"Why not?" I bit my lip, asking barely above a whisper.

"None of them were you. I've missed you so much, Bella," he whispered back.

I glanced down then up at him through my eyelashes. He was so close that we were practically touching. His eyes were hooded and I could feel his body was reacting to our closeness; I know mine was.

"You seemed interested in Victoria," I pouted playfully.

"Perhaps, but maybe that was because Victoria was still you. Just a more friskier side." His hand slid down my arm and to my waist.

"How long are you back for?" he asked, his hand slipped behind and cupped my ass.

"I'm staying. I'll be teaching at the same school as you, come the Fall." I rested my hands on his chest, his eyes glowed with happiness and he smiled dopily at me.

"Good, because now that you're back, I don't think I could let you go again." He leaned down to kiss me, the kiss was filled with fire and longing.

It was like we were trying to make up for four years in this one kiss and I wasn't ready for it to stop. He stepped closer causing me to step back, I felt him trip into me, sending us both tumbling into the wall behind me. I hit my head against the wall with a small thud.

"Oh ow…" I giggled, breaking the kiss.

"Love, I'm sorry," he apologized rubbing the back of my head, however he couldn't stop smiling either. "Me and my big feet."

"You know, what they say about big feet is true," I giggled with a hint of mischief. It was only moments ago I had a reminder under my toes. He smirked back at me.

"When did my shy Bella get like this? Not that I'm complaining." He kissed just below my ear, "or about your wandering foot."

My cheeks burned slightly, rubbing his cock with my foot wasn't originally in the cards. Flirting with him and pulling a mock scene similar to Meg Ryan's in _When Harry Met Sally _was. I ended up getting carried away seeing him for the first time after four years. That and my own sexual frustration for going without for that long, pushed my resolve.

"That was Victoria not me. I was in character and it was all an act." I blushed biting my lip.

"I think you're wrong, and Victoria has always been a part of you. You've always had a bit of sexy tiger kitten buried in you. If you recall, it was me that you erotically spat on." He wiggled his eyebrows.

I thought back about the first time I gave him a hand job in the back of his Volvo in high school. It was something Alice had read in a magazine and told me about.

"So where were we?" Edward started to kiss me heatedly again.

I pulled back when I felt his long fingers on the hem of my dress.

"Not here." I stopped him before we got carried away, in a coatroom in a restaurant.

"You're right, let's get out of here. My place is the closest." He stooped and grabbed the wig. "You're definitely wearing this for me again." The expression on his face was like a little boy's on Christmas morning as he grabbed my hand lacing our fingers together. I giggled at him as he started to pull me through the restaurant.

He paused at our table to place a bunch of bills on it. Our waiter approached us just as Edward was putting his wallet back in his pocket.

"I was starting to think that you two left. That other couple paid for you." Jacob gave me a strange look.

I smiled sheepishly back. Edward didn't seem to like that too much and stood slightly in front of me.

He grabbed the bills off the table and handed them to Jacob. "Here. Use this to cover them next week as a thank you." Edward told him.

"Did either of you want dessert or after dinner drinks" Jacob asked.

"No alcohol, she's pregnant," Edward blurted out and my cheeks turned pink.

"That was fast." Jacob raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"What can I say, I'm that good." I slapped his arm trying to get him to stop.

"Have a good night." I started for the door.

Edward came up behind me and slapped my butt, making me jump. I glared at him and he gave me a cheeky smile. I couldn't keep a straight face and started to laugh.

"Did you have to tell him I was pregnant?" I asked taking his hand again.

Only he wasn't the one to respond.

"He knocked you up already? Careful, Hun, or he'll name your children after the _The Brady Bunch._" A women stood a few feet from us, looking down at us.

She looked like a model, but Edward stared at her in disgust. I instantly knew this had to be Tanya.

"I'll give Edward a dozen children if he wants, and he can name them whatever he wants." I retorted and started pulling Edward towards his car as she stared after us incredulously.

"Really? I get naming rights?" Edward grinned mischievously.

"I only said that to piss her off. I don't think I trust you to name our children." I shook my head in amusement.

"Says the girl who named her cats, Dickie, Pussy and Fuckanator," he teased as he unlocked the car.

"I actually don't have any cats. I made that up." I shrugged innocently. I tried to open the door and he lightly batted my hand away. I remembered how he was always a gentleman. He opened the door but stopped me before I got in.

"So if we are going to have a dozen kids, we better get started tonight." He wiggled his eyebrows at me.

"No way, you're not knocking me up before we're married." I shook my head with a smirk.

"We're getting married?" He grinned like a Cheshire cat.

"I…" I was too flustered to answer. That's wasn't quite what I meant, but it wasn't like I didn't want to. It was just a bit too soon to be thinking like that…wasn't it?

"Oh I get it, I should get you a ring and do the whole bended knee thing." He just grinned, winking at me, before he helped me into my seat.

The tension between us was high as he drove us to his apartment. He drove with one hand, using the other hand to travel up my thigh and play with the lace of my underwear. I squirmed in my seat while he looked pleased with himself.

Luckily, the elevator at his building was empty as we started making out heavily on the way up, then down the empty hallway, pausing only long enough for him to open his door.

I kicked off my heels as he walked me backwards and we started to undress each other. I hit the back of the couch unexpectedly and fell backwards over it, taken Edward with me. I landed on the couch, Edward rolled slightly landing on the floor with a thud.

"Edward? Are you alright?" I leaned over to look at him.

He had such a bewildered expression looking up at me that I couldn't help but to start laughing.

"I'm fine, but I forgot how clumsy you are," he chuckled sitting up. His hair was going in every direction.

"Me. This is the first time I've been here. I had no idea you would back me into a couch." I ran my hand through his hair. He closed his eyes and seemed to hum.

"Fine, I'll make it up to you." He sat up, but stayed on the floor. He grabbed my hips and turned me until I faced him. He separated my legs and pushed my dress up to my hips.

He leaned in and grazed my center with his nose and then nipped at the lace with his teeth. My breathed hitched as I watched him use his teeth to remove my underwear and toss it behind him. His warm tongue darted out and licked my clit. I gasped and grabbed hold of his hair. His tongue moved in and out and in circles. I closed my eyes and my head fell back. I whimpered when he removed is tongue, but he replaced it quickly with two fingers reaching deeper than his tongue, my hips bucked with his thrusts.

"Oh…please." I struggled to speak.

"Bella, look at me," he growled. I opened my eyes and looked at him. His hair was wild, sticking in every direction and his eyes were on fire. His free hand unzipped the dress by the side zipper and he pushed it down exposing my breasts.

"Fuck," he muttered when he realized I wasn't wearing a bra. He licked and sucked in my nipple while not stopping his ministrations with his fingers.

I was up in his arms before I could realize. He carried me across the room and we entered his bedroom. He laid me down on his bed, I watched as he removed the rest of his clothes.

At some point, I had lost the rest of my dress. He crawled over the bed and over me. Without losing eye contact, he entered me with a thrust. I gasped slightly feeling complete with him throbbing in me.

"Fuck, you're still very tight," he moaned in pleasure.

"Please, don't stop." I begged, him.

He grinned crookedly before capturing my lips and started thrusting, going deeper and hitting the right spot.

He swallowed my scream as I came hard, I felt him come within in me. He collapsed on top of me and rolled us over. He pulled up the covers and I nestled into his chest like how I used to lay with him. He held me tight to him as if he was afraid to let go.

**SU**

**(EPOV)**

I awoke to my bedroom filled with bright sunlight, a glance at the clock told me that it was late morning. I glanced down at my angel, who lay in my arms, and couldn't help the wide grin on my face. I still couldn't believe my luck that Bella was in my arms. I haven't been this happy in a long time.

It still felt like a dream that she was Victoria. Who knew my shy girl had it in her for such a public act. It still made me hard thinking about it. And to think that she's all mine. I wasn't going to waste time, I would propose sooner than later to her. Screw it that we just got back together last night. I knew that she was it for me.

We had awoken several times over the night to make love over and over. Once included the red wig while she rode me cowgirl style. Boobs bouncing and hair flying around her dark eyes. My morning wood ached to be joined with her again.

I leaned down and brushed her armpit with my nose, she squirmed and giggled lightly. I loved to hear her giggle. I did it again and she giggle some more. I flicked my tongue against her skin and she started shaking with laughter.

"Edward, what are you doing?" She opened her beautiful brown eyes, giggling.

"I've developed a new fetish for armpits," I answered with a sly smile. I leaned down placing a small kiss, grinning when she squirmed, giggling harder.

"Edward, stop! That tickles, you dork." She pushed me away, laughing.

"Dork, ouch?" I pouted playfully.

"Fine, how about adorkable?" She smirked, her eyes danced with amusement.

"What does adorkable mean?" I asked with curiosity.

"It's adorable and dork combined." She teased, I scowled.

"No guy wants to be known as adorable or a dork by their girlfriend." I pouted. "They wanted to be known as manly and sexy." I scowled, rising to my knees and flexed my muscles, sending her into more peals of laughter.

"I'm wounded, Bella," I flopped down into the bed dramatically.

"I'm sorry, but if you saw the expression on your face, you would be laughing too." She gasped through her laughter. "It was simply adorkable." She started laughing so hard no sound was coming out.

"That's it," I rolled over her and started tickling her. The tickling soon changed over to caresses and her laugher to moans of pleasure. My cock twitched just on the outside of her, begging for me to thrust into her. I was just about to enter her when I heard something from the living room.

"Edward!"

I deflated quickly, hearing my sister scream my name. My head shot up and towards the door. What the fuck was she doing here? Doesn't she know how to knock?

"What is Alice doing here?" Bella sat up with a start. The sheet fell around her waist and I was momentarily distracted by her perky breasts, when my bedroom door flew open.

"Alice," Bella squealed trying to cover herself with the sheet.

"What the fuck, Alice, get out!" I snapped, helping Bella with the sheet.

"Oh, my god! Are you two having sex! Ewww! I don't want to see that." She covered her eyes with her hand.

"Then get out; it isn't like we invited you to join us." I glared at her in exasperation.

"Fine, I'll wait out here. I want details. Not about the sex…I'm just so happy you two are back together. Then we are going shopping, Bella." She squealed leaving, closing the door behind her.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Bella scowled, I remembered that she hated shopping.

"Sorry, but I don't think she's going to be able to walk today," I called back.

"Why won't she be able to…oh," Alice groaned when it dawned on her.

"Hey, Alice, if the idea of us having sex freaks you out, I wouldn't sit on the couch. I haven't got a change to clean it yet." I smiled devilishly at Bella and gave her a wink. She giggled silently, her cheeks tinted a lightly pink. I waited a moment before yelling out, again.

"Yeah, the chair isn't too safe either, nor is the kitchen table." I yelled out, winking at Bella again.

"We didn't do anything on the kitchen table," Bella laughed.

"Then where is it safe?" Alice yelled back sounding a bit disturbed.

"Inside the oven. Don't forget to turn it on first?" Bella smacked my arm, she was trying to give me a stern look but was failing miserably.

"So not funny! Will you hurry up and come already," my sister snapped from the other room.

"Sorry, I'm not a two-minute man. It's going to take longer than that," I yelled back without thinking.

"UGH!" Alice yelled, and Jasper started laughing loudly, indicating he was here too. Bella lost her struggle and started laughing. "You're horrible." She laughed, falling back into the pillows.

"You didn't say that last night." I shrugged innocently. "I believe it was more like. YES….YES…Oh, EDWARD…YOUR'E A …" Bella slapped her hand over my mouth looking mortified.

I wiggled my eyebrows at her, she fought to stay looking upset, but a giggle escaped.

"That's it. We're leaving. Are you happy now?" Alice yelled, a moment later I heard the door slam.

I kissed Bella's hand that was still over my mouth and pulled it away.

"Yes, I am very happy. Where were we?" I leaned down to kiss her. She rolled away before I could make contact and slipped out of bed.

"Hey, where are you going?" I sulked.

She looked over her shoulder at me. "I'm going to go take a shower." She continued to my bathroom, wiggling her hips and her ass slightly, making me even harder.

"Aren't you joining me?" She turned in the doorway and purred.

I stumbled getting out of bed and followed her into the bathroom.

**SU**

**Six years later….**

Another date night…

**Vanessa/?/?**

I was back at Black's at what had become my regular table. My date sat across from me, wearing a hot pink tulle skirt with purple sequin top. Her dark brown hair was neatly braided and her smile lit up the room.

I picked up a breadstick and held it below my nose. "What do you think, should I grow a mustache?" I asked wiggling my eyebrows at her.

She giggled and shook her head no.

"Good evening. How are you both this fine night?" Jacob appeared at the table.

"We're good thanks. I thought managers didn't wait on tables." I greeted the old friend, Jacob had been promoted to manager a few years ago.

"I only wait on the special customer's tables. Especially ones with the beautiful young ladies."

My date giggled and blushed.

"Stop, flirting with my date," I scowled. "We will both have an order of your dinosaur chicken nuggets, fries and chocolate milk. Sound good?" I looked over at my girl.

"Strawberry milk, please," she bit her lip asking politely.

"Anything for you, beautiful. So two orders of dinosaur chicken nuggets both with fries, one boring chocolate and one sweet strawberry milk," Jacob repeated and winked at her.

"Legos, too, please," she spoke up, blushing to the roots of her hair.

"Right away. Just as long as you both promise to keep them on the table. The last time someone dumped them out, we were finding Legos on the floor for weeks." Jacob gave me a stern glare.

I shrugged sheepishly back at him, I thought I had gotten them all.

We were building with the Legos, when we were approached once again.

"Edward, good to see you. Who is this pretty girl that you have got with you?" Emmett approached with his wife, Rose.

"This is my date, Vanessa. Vanessa, these are some good friends, Emmett and Rose McCarty."

"Please to meet you." She smiled charmingly at them.

Emmett winked at her causing her to giggle.

"Please to meet you. I hope you save room for the chocolate cake, it's delicious." Rose suggested with a smile.

"May we get that?" Vanessa looked at me with pleading eyes that were hard to resist.

"How about we share a slice." I winked at her.

She nodded looking happy.

About an hour and a half later, I pulled up to the house. My date had fallen asleep in her seat. I chuckled and went to her side of the car. I unbuckled her and scooped her up in my arms.

The door opened as I approached, and I was greeted at the door.

"I think this is the first time I had a date fall asleep on me. I must be losing my touch," I laughed as I leaned in to kiss my wife.

Bella and I got married about 6 months after that night in the restaurant. A few months later, she became pregnant with Vanessa.

Bella laughed and stepped aside so I could come in. She helped me take our 4 year old daughter's shoes off, then her jacket. Vanessa barely stirred as she curled into me. She looked like a tiny replica of her beautiful mom.

"How did it go?" Bella asked kissing Vanessa's cheek.

"It went well. Although the waiter kept flirting with our daughter." I scowled.

I knew Jacob was just goofing around to make my daughter giggle. I knew him well enough that he wasn't really a creep. He was happily married with a son about our son's age.

"Did Nate give you a hard time?" I asked Bella as she followed me up the steps.

"No more than any other 2 year old would," Bella answered.

We worked in sync as she pulled down the covers and I placed Vanessa on her bed. Bella undressed her as I grabbed some pajamas. Vanessa grabbed her teddy bear and rolled over as I covered her.

We tipped-toed out of the room and closed the door behind us. I pulled Bella close and kissed her deeply and placed a hand on her round belly. Our baby kicked against my hand making me smile goofily.

"How's the newest edition doing?" I pulled back and knelt to kiss where she was growing our baby.

"Kicking up a storm. I think it was very sweet of you to bring Vanessa on a date. She was so excited all day. The flowers were a sweet touch." She kissed my cheek sweetly.

"Does that mean I get lucky tonight?" I wiggled my eyebrows at her.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm going to last much longer myself." She yawned looking exhausted. I felt slightly guilty, since she looked like she might fall asleep standing up.

"How about we watch a movie in our bed and a foot rub." I suggested, rubbing her back.

"Perfect," she sighed melting into me.

"Great, my feet are killing me." I smirked when she looked up scowling at me and smacked my chest.

"Just kidding, sweetheart. You go make yourself comfortable and pick out a movie. I'll go grab some ice cream." I kissed her lips lightly before heading to our kitchen.

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed reading as I did writing this one. I know on the contest page I made a lot of people laugh. **

**Thank You for All the Reviews!**


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